Everytime
by Ennee Gray
Summary: Sometimes a few steps to the right can bring about a disaster. One small difference from how it was supposed to be - it is a push with all Merlin's got and Arthur's on the edge. Somewhat an episode tag to Poisoned Chalice. Also posted on LJ. Slash.


_**Disclaimer:**__ I don't own Merlin - the characters, idea, situations, etc. - nothing really._

**A/N:** Well, this is a _what if_. I noticed that when Gwen's father was ill she practically ran from the room, so... I figured that if she'd ran from the room when Merlin stopped breathing in Poisoned Chalice and if Gaius followed her then they both would miss the moment when Merlin _resumes_ living. And this is my take on what happens then. Few Gwen's steps to one side and suddenly there's a tragedy in Camelot.

Also - this was first posted on LJ so if you read it there - here's nothing new, I just put both parts together.

* * *

_**Everytime.**_

Sands trickled through the narrow width of a sandglass. It was but a moment in eternity - a perfect picture of hope and fear and wishful waiting that no one was there to capture. It was no longer than a few heartbeats in human life which admittedly wasted too many and what's a few more? The silence was stolen by Gwen's breathless words.

"He stopped breathing."

Gaius laid his head on the boy's chest. For days the hallowed, gasping breaths were accompanied with unsteady, but still reliable beat of a young heart. He had feared the moment he would fail to hear the trembling thumping in the body that was fighting, but continuously failing against an ailment that had no natural cause but hatred.

A strangled sob escaped Gwen's pursed lips and she fled the room. For days she had fought against losing hope that the prince would find the cure that never once she had thought of losing her friend to ineffective cure. She had doubted the success of the quest, but never could she have thought that disaster would strike in the end of the story.

Gaius followed the girl out of the room. She had fled, but made no further than the flight of stairs. She hid her face in her hands and her strangled sobs told the tale of her grief. He hugged her and squeezed his eyes shut to ward off the pain for a little while more.

"It's my fault," she cried. "If I'd gotten to Arthur sooner…"

"No," Gaius said. "No, it's my fault."

The words seemed far too short and curt to be able to convey all he wanted to tell. Words seemed far too little to express his failure. He had failed Merlin in far more than inability to heal him. The poison may have been Nimueh's work, but her hatred was Gaius' failure. All those years ago, he should have said 'No' to Uther Pendragon and he hadn't and in that he had failed all those that had lived and were to live. Most of all, he had failed a young boy to whom magic was as much part of him as blood.

"I should have looked after him better."

Gwen pulled back and shook her head. "You did everything you could have, Gaius." Her eyes were red and with one hand she was holding herself together, hugging herself. She gazed at the distant door to the physician's chambers and sniffed. "He loved you like a father," she said breaking out in tears again.

"And I him like a son," he replied and first tears made past his defenses.

She nodded and put her arms around the old man in an attempt to console. Minutes later she pulled back. "Somebody should tell Arthur. He… He worked so hard – he deserves to know."

"I will tell him."

"Are you sure?" Gwen asked, concerned. "It's still not safe. I… I could try to sneak in again."

"No, dear, you were almost caught before, I will go," he said. Gaius couldn't bring himself to care for consequences. Reprimand from Uther didn't seem worthy of notice. His relationship with the king on which he had so diligently worked for so many years seemed little more than worthless at the moment. "You should go to Morgana. She undoubtedly wants to know how it all… Go to your Lady."

"If you're sure," Gwen said. She looked at him worriedly for few moments before turning and fleeing to Morgana. She tried to go slowly, to be controlled and dignified, but after a few steps she knew she wouldn't make it to Morgana's chambers without breaking down, so she ran. Now like never before she needed the comfort only her Lady and lover could provide.

TPCTPCTPC

Gaius took a glance at the half-open door of his chambers. He knew he had to at least cover the boy, but he couldn't stand the thought of walking back in there and seeing the lifeless body of the child he had never had. At least not now. Later. Gods, as if time made any difference now.

He walked down the stairs and across the courtyard heading for the basement and cells. He felt every year he had lived and some more than others. He stopped in the middle of the courtyard and turned his face upwards, he felt the heat from the morning sun – the clouds had cleared few hours after the dawn – and he wished he didn't.

He was the royal physician yet he understood death no better than a simple farm peasant – why it is that sometimes the old live and the young do not? His anger at the ways of the world weren't lessened by his knowledge of the contents of the poison that had taken Merlin's life. It hadn't been the boy's destiny to die – not yet, not yet for a long time.

He lowered his gaze and continued across the yard. He went down the stairs leading to the basement and the cells. A guard immediately stepped up and in front of him.

"No one is allowed."

"I'm here to administer to the prince's injuries," words fell even before he had time to think them through.

"The prince is hurt?" the guard seemed surprised.

_Soon, he will be._ "Would I be here otherwise?" Gaius asked tiredly.

"Of course," guard replied hurriedly and stepped aside. "Go to the right," he directed. Assuming that the prince would want some privacy with his physician the guard didn't send anyone with Gaius.

TPCTPCTPC

Three walls and bars on the fourth. It was a cell – the driest and lightest, but still a cage. Arthur kept tight rein on his anxiety. He sat leisurely as if he had chosen to be here rather than been imprisoned for his disobedience. He stared at the far wall behind the bars and waited.

Patience was a virtue he had never possessed in great capacity. He was too much of a war lord to be comfortable with waiting yet in this moment he had done all that was required of him – all he could have done - and now the task rested in the hands of others. The thought brought little comfort. He knew he would feel so much better if he was allowed to stand alongside, to see the cure take effect. He never once considered a failure.

The sound of soft steps against the prison floor caused him to turn his gaze from the wall. Gaius. Arthur leapt to his feet in one smooth movement. He smiled and moved closer to the bars. The smile died on his lips when he saw the expression on the physician's face.

"It worked," he didn't ask. He didn't dare asking.

Gaius braced himself and looked prince in the eyes. "I'm sorry," he said.

The words were like a blow. Arthur felt as if air had been kicked out of his lungs. He took a hasty step back as if the distance would lessen the impact of physician's words, as if the distance would make them less real.

"It's my fault," Gaius admitted. "I should have looked after him better…" His words were an echo of an earlier statement.

Gaius was interrupted by the approach of a guard. "I apologize, I forgot to give you the key," the man said moving to unlock the cell.

"It's alright. It seems that the prince is fine, after all," the physician said quietly. He didn't dare look at the prince when he uttered those words.

"My lord?" the guard looked at Arthur for confirmation.

"Go," Arthur grind out between his teeth. He wanted both of them out of his sight, _now_. He felt both hot and cold. His head was spinning and he thought that his heart would jump out through his throat. He was losing control and he wanted to be alone.

Both the guard and the physician left – the former confused and the latter suddenly exhausted.

He tried to breathe slowly, but he didn't want to calm down. His arm was burning; he felt every inch he had stretched to grasp the flower his father had so carelessly dropped outside of his cell. He felt the cool air of the basement sting at his eyes that were suddenly moist. He felt every hour of his journey which had been a failure. He was supposed to be the best yet he was not good enough.

He had never considered failure, but maybe he should have. Maybe then it would hurt less. He crumpled back to the ground, no longer the annoyed perfection of offended dignity. Sound tore from his lips stealing all the air from his lungs and long after he stopped screaming, he thought he heard the pain vibrating all around him.

Gaius stopped on the stairs, the anguished scream of the prince echoed in the emptiness of his heart.

His breaths were short and shallow gasps. His eyes were closed and he wished he could cry. He would never have spoken of it. He would never have put Merlin in a situation where he'd feel obligated to comply. He would have continued to shield him from his father. He would have continued to tease him and take pleasure from their banters. He would have learned to love from distance. He should have drunk his own goblet. He should never have let this happen.

"Merlin," the choked whisper of a heartbroken prince bounced off the walls and lingered in the still air of the underground prison.

TPCTPCTPC

Gaius' steps were slow and heavy, he felt old and tired. His chambers were just ahead and he would rather do another round around the castle than face what awaited him in the stillness of his rooms. He had just spoken to the king - warned him of Nimueh. He had just prevented a war that could have gone on for years, but he couldn't bring himself to care.

He softly pushed the door to his chambers open and for a moment hesitated in the doorway before stepping in. It was quiet. Not that it hadn't been quiet when he had lived alone, but now… Now he had gotten used to the noise and mess that came with living with Merlin.

He walked over the bed and gazed at the body lying in it. He blinked - surely his eyes were deceiving him. Gaius dropped into a seat by the bed and hesitantly touched Merlin's arm. It was warm, but not fevered and it definitely did not possess the cold stillness of a dead person. He drew in a harsh breath - it couldn't be.

"Gaius?" Merlin whispered turning his head to look at the old physician.

"Merlin," the old man gasped leaning back. "You're alive!"

Merlin frowned. "No," he said. "I'm a ghost that came back to haunt you." The wide smile in his pale face was like a glimpse of sunshine after a season of rain.

Gaius chuckled and after a moment of amazed shock his instincts took over and he checked the boy's forehead and pulse. Merlin's heartbeat was a little too fast and he was a bit too warm, but most definitely alive. There was nothing wrong with him anymore that Gaius couldn't fix.

"For one you smell too much to be a ghost," Gaius said his tone warm and voice full of fatherly affection.

"Thanks," Merlin grumbled. "I think," he added struggling to get up in a sitting position.

"Lay back down," Gaius ordered pushing Merlin back. "I'll call some maids and order a bath." He said standing up and rushing out. Suddenly he felt light and easy, previous exhaustion forgotten like a bad dream. He was back within minutes.

While Gaius busied around, Merlin laid back and relaxed. To tell the truth he had been a little worried when he'd woken up and there had been nobody around. He wasn't a particularly self-centered person, but he would have liked to think that at least some people cared enough to stay by his side when he was grievously ill.

"Where were you earlier?" Merlin didn't mean to sound accusing. "I woke up and …"

Gaius stopped abruptly. There was a long pause before he forced the words aloud, "We thought you were dead."

Merlin blinked. "Why would you think such a thing? And - what exactly happened?" he drew a shuddering breath. "The last thing I remember is drinking from that goblet."

Gaius frowned. "Wait for your bath. By the time you'll be through I'll have your medicine ready. Then we'll talk."

Merlin wanted to argue, but thought better of it. He was alive and awake, but he still had trouble breathing and every once in a while he couldn't stop himself from shuddering. He glanced at the blanket and let it pull higher up around his body and contented himself with watching Gaius and listening to the servants drawing a bath in the bath-chamber on the other side of the wall.

A little more than an hour later Merlin was clean (and he had done that by himself, mostly) and sleepy from Gaius' medicine. He was sitting in a chair wrapped in a warm blanket and playing with his food. He listened about how Arthur had defied his father and risked his life to bring him an antidote, how Gwen had barely left his side and even how Lady Morgana popped in every now and then. He felt pleasantly warm at the thought that they all cared about him so much although he didn't relish in causing them so much worry.

"Wait!" he called out suddenly. "Do they all still think I'm dead?"

Gaius paled. Ever since he came back to his chambers he had been busy making sure that Merlin was truly well and on the mend, and ensuring the boy's wellbeing that he hadn't had the moment to think of informing others.

Merlin leaned on the table and struggled to stand. "I must tell them!"

"No," Gaius said and gently pushed Merlin back into the chair. "You can barely stand," he said looking at the boy and daring him to deny. "I will tell them."

TPCTPCTPC

Uther didn't like the worried glances of the guards. He frowned and strode over to his son's cell. He stopped abruptly and gazed at the collapsed prince. He felt cold fear in his belly, but his tone belied none of that as he ordered, "Arthur, get up."

Arthur didn't even deign to look upon his father.

Uther motioned for the guard to unlock the door then he walked into the cell. He stood silent for a moment before saying, "I'm releasing Bayard. I believe you were right - he was not to blame for poisoning the goblet."

Arthur squeezed his eyes shut. What did it matter now? His father hadn't been willing to listen to him previously when it could have made a difference for… When it could have made a difference for Merlin. The vague apology did nothing for Arthur now. There were only so many things he was willing to excuse his father for - his temper, his aloofness, his harshness, but this time Arthur couldn't find it in him to cooperate. He had begged for Christ' sakes. He had begged and appealed and his father still had turned him a cold shoulder. Now Arthur was unwilling to listen.

"I want you to stand by my side as we bid our goodbyes."

"No," Arthur grind out between his teeth. He felt too vulnerable and cared too little. The prison walls offered too convenient cover for the naked pain that he felt.

Uther took a calming breath. He understood his son better than he often let on, but that didn't mean he could indulge Arthur's weaknesses. His son was the future king and he had to learn to act accordingly - dead servant boy or not. "It is not negotiable. You have half hour to make yourself presentable."

Arthur lifted his head to glare at his father.

"For god's sakes, Arthur," Uther said exasperated. He took a step forward and crouched beside his son. "The boy died for you - don't waste it." He didn't mean to sound curt or harsh, but he knew of no other way to get through to his son.

"You don't understand," Arthur spat spitefully.

"I do," Uther said quietly thinking back to his late wife Igraine. He rose to his feet. "Better than you think." He paused. "You have half-hour," he repeated before storming out of the cell.

TPCTPCTPC

Arthur stood on the battlements. King Bayard had ridden off quite a while ago and his father had already left to attend to other matters. He hadn't seen Morgana - no one had managed to find her for the farewells or maybe Uther had told them not to try too hard. It was obvious that peace between Camelot and Mercia was fragile at best.

The sun was low at the horizon and dusk was already settling in the lower parts of land. It had been hardly a day, but somehow it felt like so much more. As Arthur gazed down upon his city he couldn't help, but feel a bit of resentment - Merlin was gone, but everything went on, nothing had changed.

He leaned against the battlements and looked in the distance. His eyes were dry although red and as he watched the settling sun he couldn't help but wonder - how was he supposed to live on? He had come to rely so much on Merlin and maybe, yes, that had been his mistake - a future sovereign is supposed to be solitary isn't he? - but it was impossible to keep Merlin at arm's length. His manservant had squeezed into almost every detail of his life - for god's sakes Arthur even took him hunting even though the man was useless - and now Arthur didn't know how to live his life without the constant companionship of a rude, disobedient, terrible and fatally loyal Merlin.

Arthur's gaze was drawn by the flagstones paving the courtyard. He snorted. It was almost ridiculous by how fetching the idea sounded. He leaned forward slightly and wondered if the drop would be enough to kill. Not that he would actually jump - it would be far too unbecoming for a prince of Camelot even if said prince was already dead inside. Arthur was sure he wouldn't live for long anyway, not anymore, magical calamities seemed to strike the kingdom every fortnight and now there was no Merlin who would risk his life to save him.

Arthur sighed - his father had sold his life to the next witch with a dagger or mud monster or poison that would come along the way, the moment he had crushed every hope Arthur had had for Merlin's recovery. It was sad that Arthur didn't feel bothered by the prospect.

"Arthur!"

He looked up at the shriek. Gwen was running along the battlements towards him and she looked rather distressed, but Arthur figured it was excusable - Merlin was her friend as well.

"Guinevere," he acknowledged her as a way of greeting when she was close enough so that he wouldn't have to shout.

Gwen gasped for breath as she scrutinized the prince. For a moment when she had walked out on the battlements she had thought that he… The prince looked terrible, but surely she had been mistaken. "Prince Arthur Lady Morgana has been looking for you."

"Funny," he said. "Everyone else was looking for Morgana a short while ago."

"I offered to look in her place so that she also could… Ah, help Gaius, not that Gaius can't do his work by himself, but…" she stopped abruptly unsure how to continue.

Arthur smiled sadly and gazed over the battlements. Merlin had been Gaius' apprentice and now there was no one left to do the job. One more empty place. "Understandable."

"No!" Gwen exclaimed. The prince did not understand at all. Gwen had offered to look for Arthur so that Morgana could also go and greet Merlin - congratulate him on being alive - and as for Gaius - the court physician had already been out of breath when he had found them - it would have been cruel to send the old man after the wayward prince.

She wanted to tell him everything, but she doubted that the prince would believe her - she had hardly believed Gaius herself until she had seen Merlin alive with her own eyes. "No it's not what you think. Not that I have anything against the way you think, but Morgana really has to see you. Truly. Now."

"Can't it wait till tomorrow?" he asked tiredly.

"No, it would really be for the best if you went to her now," Gwen said after a moment of indecision. She wanted to say so much more, but she could do better than tell – she could show so she held her tongue.

"She's at the physician's chambers, right?" Arthur asked resigned that he would have to deal with Morgana today as well.

"Yes, sire," Gwen confirmed.

TPCTPCTPC

Arthur stopped abruptly by the door to the physician's chambers. The voice that he heard inside - the sound resonated through all his being. It was a shock to the system and not an unwelcome one even if only a figment of his imagination.

"Gaius, I'm serious - I don't need anything now," Merlin sounded exasperated.

Arthur took an indecisive step forward. If he could - he would stand behind this door indefinitely if only to maintain the illusion. He turned suddenly feeling a presence beside him - Gwen had followed him here. He read understanding and compassion in her face. She motioned for him to open the door and enter. She was smiling and her expression wasn't sad despite the redness around her eyes - Guinevere seemed joyful.

He didn't really understand, but he took courage from her happiness. He pushed the door open and walked in.

Merlin heard the door opening and turned his head to take a look. He was sitting in a chair by the table wrapped in a heavy wool blanket to keep him warm. Now that his fever was down and the poison was broken in his body, he was cold and shivering. Morgana was sitting in a chair across him and slowly sipping some herbal tea while Gaius busied himself with a stack of herbs.

Merlin smiled lightly, "Arthur."

For a moment Arthur was frozen where he stood. He couldn't believe what he saw - it couldn't be. For a moment he thought that he was dead, that he had jumped off the battlements after all. For a moment he thought that this was some sort of sorcery either he had lost his mind. For a moment he was afraid, but then the moment was gone and he didn't care. It took only four large steps and he dropped to his knees in front of Merlin and embraced the other around his middle and then he sobbed his relief in Merlin's blanket.

"Arthur," Merlin said quietly and soothingly. He put hesitant hands on Arthur's shoulders and rubbed slightly.

The prince tightened his desperate hold on Merlin, but didn't show any other outward reaction. The hushed cries against his clothing worried Merlin. He glanced up at Morgana looking for an advice. Her face was scrunched up in confusion until a minute later an understanding dawned on her. She glanced at Gwen and both women smiled knowingly. Merlin felt lost.

Morgana rose swiftly and excused herself quietly. Gwen waved at him encouragingly and went after her lady. Even Gaius abandoned him closing the door after himself.

He stared in disbelief at the closed door for a minute before returning his attention to Arthur. Merlin truly did not know what to do with the wreck of a prince that had attached himself to his middle in a steel grip. He would never have thought that Arthur would be so distraught by his death – he would never have dared to think that he meant so much to the prince.

"Prat," Merlin finally said squeezing Arthur's shoulders gently. "You're slobbering all over my blanket."

Arthur looked up at Merlin, but did not release him. "I thought you were dead, you idiot," he said choking out a laugh.

Merlin brushed his hand through Arthur's hair and cupped his cheek. "Wouldn't want you to go through the trouble of looking for another manservant," he said smiling. "You might actually get one that does his job."

"Never," Arthur whispered new tears pooling in his eyes. He couldn't find it in himself to cry before even when he felt like every breath was a chore, but now he couldn't seem to stop. Relief and joy hit him with regenerating strength that staggered him and threw him off the balance.

Arthur's gaze drew him in. Merlin gazed into the face of his prince and was astounded at the depth of naked emotion he saw there. He caressed Arthur's cheek. "Thank you," Merlin whispered before leaning in to kiss Arthur. He meant thank you for defying your father, for bringing him the antidote, for being there now and most importantly a thank you for loving him.

Arthur leaned into Merlin's touch. It took him a moment to react to the kiss. Arthur's arms moved from Merlin's waist to his shoulders and head – he pushed himself up and reclined Merlin back into his hands, Arthur held unto him with all he was worth in an effort to get closer. He kissed Merlin desperately needing every possible assurance that the other was truly there.

Merlin turned his head aside and gasped for breath. Arthur buried his face in Merlin's hair while his hands couldn't stop roaming the shivering body. Merlin's hair smelled of herbs and soap and Arthur breathed deeply as if before he had been deprived of air for too long.

"You too," Arthur whispered.


End file.
